January 2010

Scuba Diving versus Snorkeling – Going Deeper or Letting Go

by Sheila Finkelstein on January 4, 2010

Koi Fish

At the end of the 30-day Conscious Energy Shifts call this morning, Adela Rubio made a comment on Snorkeling and Scuba Diving. Because of my fears the couple of times I’ve snorkeled, it immediately resonated with me.

I responded by writing the following – To hear me read this, click on the arrow:

Snorkeling Vs. Scuba Diving

“Put on a suit. Go deeper,” said Adela.
See what’s available in scuba diving.

It seems to me that going deeper with scuba diving might feel safer than snorkeling. With scuba diving, I image a life line being there. With snorkeling, I’m on my own.

For me the challenge would be/is to move beyond the safety of the boat, even the side of the pool – the knowing that I can get to the side within seconds and be secure, grab on.

What is the fear of going past my self-imposed limits?

Fear of drowning? This seems odd since I sometimes say/think that my life has been fulfilled, is complete.

Fear of struggling, not being able to breathe? The head knows it’s simply one breath at a time. Relax into it. Maybe, it’s the body that knows this. The head kicks in with the noises, planting its negative seeds.

If so, I can simply be with my body. Trust it and snorkel beyond the boat to those spaces with other sea life even more beautiful than what’s closest to the boat.

I will create a challenge for myself and respond to it. I’ll practice in the pool (all the while hoping it stays cold here in Florida for another month or two) – snorkel/swimming down the center, not quite an easy distance to the side. I might also swim/snorkel across the deep end.

Simply thinking of this, tightens up my body. Fears kick in. Perhaps recalling the memory, 60 plus years ago, of learning to ride a bike can ease the concern. Certainly there must have been fear of falling, one which I ultimately conquered. For years after I had the freedom of the ride.

Deep breath. Exhale. Image the feeling of freely playing, dancing with the fish – the colors and the rhythms. Then take that back on land.

What would the feeling be, playing among the limitless sea of humans in natural environments – growing strong and free – full of spontaneous, authentic self-expression – an empowering dance of life? Ah, yes!

—-
PS – Where’s the life line? Do I need it? The life line is within – the trust. Trust that I can and trust there will be one person and/or a community to support and save me if I’m in trouble. Thank you.

© 2010 Sheila Finkelstein – See Photography and Transformation for more writing and photos

(Note the photograph above is not of ocean fish. Rather they are Koi fish in a pond in a Nature center. I show them here as representative of the color and movement to which I refer.)

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Aloneness – Loneliness – Is there a Difference?

by Sheila Finkelstein on January 3, 2010

Walking into 2010

Ponderings – Loneliness or Alone on New Year’s Eve 

Alone – Lonely – Is there a difference?

Being alone in a crowd.
People dance,
They jump for joy. 

Where am I?
Off in the distance,
on the sidelines

What holds me back, has me not want to participate?

All the “rules” I impose on myself.

What rules are there about dancing?  What holds me back?

Making a “fool” of myself?  What is a fool?

and then there was “the night”…

Alone on New Year’s Eve, as 2010 rolled in.  I was actually quite content, comfortable in my skin and my place in life right now.  The past two New Year’s Eves without Sam were hard.  I was with one son, daughter-in-law, two grandchildren and their assorted guests both years and felt lonelier than being alone on 12/31/09.  The prior two years I recall so strongly feeling “Everyone has someone” and “I am alone”

If I were in the massive crowd at Disney, I suspect my feelings would have been the same.

I had an interesting walk from the party back to my room.  I was taking photos and a family came along.  The wife stayed to talk.  Her name is Heila, mine- Sheila without the “S”.  Someone on a call the next morning, in a group I was in, spoke of walking in nature looking for omens.  Was “Heila’ an omen for me​?…

What are the “s”s I could be dropping in my life?
S – sh*t – the clutter I surround myself with… not quite… and the “baggage” I carry
S – sorry feelings
S – “shoulds” – definitely!

Consider replacing them with “Shalls”.

What to keep?– my Soul, my Sense of worth,  my “Self”  The Self who Shines.

Maybe the omen wasn’t so much about dropping the “S”…. rather acknowledging and honoring it.  Who would I be without myself?

So back to loneliness – aloneness – Find the beauty in it.  Acknowledge it.  Let it be and note that there are multi-dimensions.

Remember when the “shoulds” are removed… the concern with other’s judgments…. really our own chatter and assumptions… all that remains is the beauty of myself/ourselves.

I am the one with whom I live…. how great it and my life are when I honor me and am totally and completely satisfied with that.

“The Story” leading up to the above writing:

My two sons and their wives gave me the 70th birthday gift of both families – including 1 granddaughter and three grandsons – being together between Christmas Eve and January 2. Seven of those days were spent in Orlando, Fl, sometimes all together, some days splitting up.  The plan was for us all to be together on 12/31 celebrating the entry of 2010.  In order not to be closed out from Magic Kingdom, the decision was made to leave for Disney, 20 minutes from where we were staying, at 6:30 AM.  I woke up at 4:00 AM and after thinking about it decided to stay back. The thought of 18 hours,  14 of them at least, on my feet standing on lines was too much.

I actually had a great day, rested, walked, stopped in on a party the resort was having.  On the way back, while taking boardwalk night photos, I got into a stimulating conversation with a passerby, on common interests – woman whose name was similar to mine.

Back in my room, I watched the “Ball Drop” on TV as 2010, a new decade, became reality.  I hugged myself lightly, remembering the 47 years my husband I embraced and kissed as the New Year unfolded. And then I recalled the “aloneness” and missing of the past 2 New Year’s Eves, celebrated at my son’s home.

Though surrounded and supported I felt “left out”.  As 2008 and 2009 entered, I felt lonely/alone and something/someone was missing.  And, I suspect my feelings would have been the same, compounded, in the crowd at Magic Kingdom this year.

Instead, I felt full and satisfied, though still missing Sam.

And then the next day, periodically I found myself feeling sad and teary-eyed as I thought of, spoke of,   being “alone” on New Year’s Eve.

“ ‘Everyone celebrates’. New Year’s Eve is “supposed” to be ‘party time’ and you were left out.’” I suspect that underneath it all were the thoughts, “What will they think of me?” “Something is wrong with her,” and more….

I thus decided to write down the thoughts… those empowering ones I had during the day and night… all the while feeling content, even at the party.

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