Ponderings – Loneliness or Alone on New Year’s Eve
Alone – Lonely – Is there a difference?
Being alone in a crowd.
They jump for joy.
Where am I?
Off in the distance,
on the sidelines
What holds me back, has me not want to participate?
All the “rules” I impose on myself.
What rules are there about dancing? What holds me back?
Making a “fool” of myself? What is a fool?
and then there was “the night”…
Alone on New Year’s Eve, as 2010 rolled in. I was actually quite content, comfortable in my skin and my place in life right now. The past two New Year’s Eves without Sam were hard. I was with one son, daughter-in-law, two grandchildren and their assorted guests both years and felt lonelier than being alone on 12/31/09. The prior two years I recall so strongly feeling “Everyone has someone” and “I am alone”
If I were in the massive crowd at Disney, I suspect my feelings would have been the same.
I had an interesting walk from the party back to my room. I was taking photos and a family came along. The wife stayed to talk. Her name is Heila, mine- Sheila without the “S”. Someone on Adela Rubio’s Conscious Energy Shift call the next morning spoke of walking in nature looking for omens. Was “Heila’ an omen for me?…
What are the “s”s I could be dropping in my life?
S – sh*t – the clutter I surround myself with… not quite… and the “baggage” I carry
S – sorry feelings
S – “shoulds” – definitely!
Consider replacing them with “Shalls”.
What to keep?– my Soul, my Sense of worth, my “Self” The Self who Shines.
Maybe the omen wasn’t so much about dropping the “S”…. rather acknowledging and honoring it. Who would I be without myself?
So back to loneliness – aloneness – Find the beauty in it. Acknowledge it. Let it be and note that there are multi-dimensions.
Remember when the “shoulds” are removed… the concern with other’s judgments…. really our own chatter and assumptions… all that remains is the beauty of myself/ourselves.
I am the one with whom I live…. how great it and my life are when I honor me and am totally and completely satisfied with that.
“The Story” leading up to the above writing:
My two sons and their wives gave me the 70th birthday gift of both families – including 1 granddaughter and three grandsons – being together between Christmas Eve and January 2. Seven of those days were spent in Orlando, Fl, sometimes all together, some days splitting up. The plan was for us all to be together on 12/31 celebrating the entry of 2010. In order not to be closed out from Magic Kingdom, the decision was made to leave for Disney, 20 minutes from where we were staying, at 6:30 AM. I woke up at 4:00 AM and after thinking about it decided to stay back. The thought of 18 hours, 14 of them at least, on my feet standing on lines was too much.
I actually had a great day, rested, walked, stopped in on a party the resort was having. On the way back, while taking boardwalk night photos, I got into a stimulating conversation with a passerby, on common interests – woman whose name was similar to mine.
Back in my room, I watched the “Ball Drop” on TV as 2010, a new decade, became reality. I hugged myself lightly, remembering the 47 years my husband I embraced and kissed as the New Year unfolded. And then I recalled the “aloneness” and missing of the past 2 New Year’s Eves, celebrated at my son’s home.
Though surrounded and supported I felt “left out”. As 2008 and 2009 entered, I felt lonely/alone and something/someone was missing. And, I suspect my feelings would have been the same, compounded, in the crowd at Magic Kingdom this year.
Instead, I felt full and satisfied, though still missing Sam.
And then the next day, periodically I found myself feeling sad and teary-eyed as I thought of, spoke of, being “alone” on New Year’s Eve.
“ ‘Everyone celebrates’. New Year’s Eve is “supposed” to be ‘party time’ and you were left out.’” I suspect that underneath it all were the thoughts, “What will they think of me?” “Something is wrong with her,” and more….
I thus decided to write down the thoughts… those empowering ones I had during the day and night… all the while feeling content, even at the party.