Aloneness

Wind Caresses, Memories and Longing

by Sheila Finkelstein on December 27, 2010

I came across these random thoughts written on a pad as I walked in Green Cay a couple of months ago. Thought I’d add them here, since all writing, for me, adds to some form of healing.

Seeing loads of snail shells, large ones, out of their element, or is it me?

Breezes sweep past and caress my legs as I look out –
Cameraless, Partnerless, here at Green Cay.

Pad and Pen – Spaces for Tears.
Well, I let them come. No camera to hide behind tonight.

Feeling breezes again
Quick caresses on my legs.
Oh, how I wish they were yours, that you were here, my Beloved.

Spoonbill was on dry land, dried out spot –
Found way back to walk.
Only for me, dry land – wet land.
There is more to find here on Earth.

Anhinga is spreading his wings and don’t know why it is.
Is it you, my Darling, letting me know through your favorite bird that you’re here?

{ 4 comments }

Writing Prompt – Blessings in Front of Me

by Sheila Finkelstein on September 24, 2010

I had a full “plate” of classes and “to-dos” today and once again I got a nudge at 11:30 AM to finish the call I was on and drop in on Julie Jordan Scott’s WRITING CAMP. From my experience of being in the spaces that Julie creates, I know something is bound to open up for me. I my not always know what it is or will be and I was surprised today to find that memories of Sam flowed from my, interestingly, red pen. Was the “red” for my heart?

The prompt “Blessings in front of my right now“; the floor and the tiles that take me anywhere I want to go in my house: to the riches or the distractions; to 3 carpeted rooms, two of which house my MacIntosh computers; the other my bed for rest and memories of Sam, of being held closely, tightly, lovingly and being gently caressed on the flesh of my abdomen when I lay on my back.

I hated this. It brought my attention and awareness to what I felt was an excess of fat, more pronounced, for me, with his caresses. I always stopped him, removed his hand; never thought to ask what pleasure he derived from this. Too late now.

My writing continued, given there was more time before the timer had Julie state, “Complete your thought and end for now.” I continued writing about the pot in front of me, in the center of the floor, remaining from a fire ritual I did last night, celebrating the Fall Equinox. And that story is unimportant here.

Suffice it to say, “Life does go on and we can continue to find richness and blessings if we put ourselves out in communities which support us.” Thank you, Julie.

{ 2 comments }

Fog, Aloneness and the Intimacy of Memories

by Sheila Finkelstein on March 9, 2010

Photo by Sam Finkelstein - Morning Fog overlooking Long Island Sound in Harkness Memorial State Park, Waterford, CT

I come to know aloneness, intimately, when I remember the fogs that Sam and I stood in… Harkness Gardens in Connecticut and the beautiful image in the distance, the broken fog. I leaned against him to enjoy together. And he is no longer here.

Then there was the fog of Bar Harbor, Maine, the year we couldn’t see in the distance beyond it and had the experience of studying that which was beneath us and closely all around. The boys, came up to us and we were all together – a family.

The family still exists, though, distant somewhat, with their own. The intimacy still exists on a different level and though they say he’s with us in memory, they can’t miss the feel of him against my body. Memories don’t quite suffice and the gratitude for having had it exists always.

The intimacy of aloneness, what does it mean? I surround myself with stories when I think and look at things, and they are not the stories of Sam or us. They are the stories I make up from what I currently see.

Would stories from the past make a difference? I think not. It’s being in the present that will most empower me, knowing I’m blessed with those intimate memories, plus the love notes and photos from Sam still present in my home as well as my heart.

(Note: This writing came out of a visualization, breathing exercise, in Julie Jordan Scott’s Writing Intensive Winter Camp. Thank you, Julie.)

{ 1 comment }

Aloneness – Loneliness – Is there a Difference?

by Sheila Finkelstein on January 3, 2010

Walking into 2010

Ponderings – Loneliness or Alone on New Year’s Eve

Alone – Lonely – Is there a difference?

Being alone in a crowd.
People dance,
They jump for joy.

Where am I?
Off in the distance,
on the sidelines

What holds me back, has me not want to participate?

All the “rules” I impose on myself.

What rules are there about dancing? What holds me back?

Making a “fool” of myself? What is a fool?

and then there was “the night”…

Alone on New Year’s Eve, as 2010 rolled in. I was actually quite content, comfortable in my skin and my place in life right now. The past two New Year’s Eves without Sam were hard. I was with one son, daughter-in-law, two grandchildren and their assorted guests both years and felt lonelier than being alone on 12/31/09. The prior two years I recall so strongly feeling “Everyone has someone” and “I am alone”

If I were in the massive crowd at Disney, I suspect my feelings would have been the same.

I had an interesting walk from the party back to my room. I was taking photos and a family came along. The wife stayed to talk. Her name is Heila, mine- Sheila without the “S”. Someone on a call the next morning, in a group I was in, spoke of walking in nature looking for omens. Was “Heila’ an omen for me?…

What are the “s”s I could be dropping in my life?
S – sh*t – the clutter I surround myself with… not quite… and the “baggage” I carry
S – sorry feelings
S – “shoulds” – definitely!

Consider replacing them with “Shalls”.

What to keep?– my Soul, my Sense of worth, my “Self” The Self who Shines.

Maybe the omen wasn’t so much about dropping the “S”…. rather acknowledging and honoring it. Who would I be without myself?

So back to loneliness – aloneness – Find the beauty in it. Acknowledge it. Let it be and note that there are multi-dimensions.

Remember when the “shoulds” are removed… the concern with other’s judgments…. really our own chatter and assumptions… all that remains is the beauty of myself/ourselves.

I am the one with whom I live…. how great it and my life are when I honor me and am totally and completely satisfied with that.

“The Story” leading up to the above writing:

My two sons and their wives gave me the 70^th birthday gift of both families – including 1 granddaughter and three grandsons – being together between Christmas Eve and January 2. Seven of those days were spent in Orlando, Fl, sometimes all together, some days splitting up. The plan was for us all to be together on 12/31 celebrating the entry of 2010. In order not to be closed out from Magic Kingdom, the decision was made to leave for Disney, 20 minutes from where we were staying, at 6:30 AM. I woke up at 4:00 AM and after thinking about it decided to stay back. The thought of 18 hours, 14 of them at least, on my feet standing on lines was too much.

I actually had a great day, rested, walked, stopped in on a party the resort was having. On the way back, while taking boardwalk night photos, I got into a stimulating conversation with a passerby, on common interests – woman whose name was similar to mine.

Back in my room, I watched the “Ball Drop” on TV as 2010, a new decade, became reality. I hugged myself lightly, remembering the 47 years my husband I embraced and kissed as the New Year unfolded. And then I recalled the “aloneness” and missing of the past 2 New Year’s Eves, celebrated at my son’s home.

Though surrounded and supported I felt “left out”. As 2008 and 2009 entered, I felt lonely/alone and something/someone was missing. And, I suspect my feelings would have been the same, compounded, in the crowd at Magic Kingdom this year.

Instead, I felt full and satisfied, though still missing Sam.

And then the next day, periodically I found myself feeling sad and teary-eyed as I thought of, spoke of, being “alone” on New Year’s Eve.

“ ‘Everyone celebrates’. New Year’s Eve is “supposed” to be ‘party time’ and you were left out.’” I suspect that underneath it all were the thoughts, “What will they think of me?” “Something is wrong with her,” and more….

I thus decided to write down the thoughts… those empowering ones I had during the day and night… all the while feeling content, even at the party.

{ 8 comments }