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Hands as seen by Sam and Sheila – Throughout Our Years

Sheila Finkelstein — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 04:18:19 +0000

I’ve just completed reading my friend Renee Barnow’s Right-Line Blog post – “What Do Your Hands Say? What Does Your Voice Hold?”

Immediately, I imaged the photograph Sam took years ago of my hand lighting Hanukah Candles on the Menorah. I then I started recalling so many others of his wonderful black and white photos; so instead of a single comment on Renee’s post, I decided to create my own post in response.

Hand honors Ritual and Celebration of Light

Hands display art (here – sterling silver and ceramic rings made by me) while caressing Nature’s textures

In wonder and awe – hands caress pregnant belly and yet-to-be-born child

Future brother’s hand lifts maternity blouse, querying the future -
(To see more photos of young boys’ hands expressing love and togetherness, Sam’s Photos, click on a thumbnail and cycle through the enlargements)

Hand in Hand – Child and Man – Symbolizes Trust (Young boy’s hand in Sam’s – photo ©Sheila Finkelstein)

and, I was reminded of how often I use “hand” in language… “on the other hand”, “in my hands”, “hand-drawing” (in describing my photo/drawings)

Sporadically, I’ve been posting on this blog sharing some of my writing as examples of a pathway to healing. Today, I’m reminded though the words came, I am blessed to have the photos and the technical ability to share them with you also – photography and cycling through memories as another access to healing.

Note – As I scrolled down this published page, I noted other photos – Hands for blowing kisses and Hands for writing.

Scuba Diving versus Snorkeling – Going Deeper or Letting Go

Sheila Finkelstein — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 23:29:36 +0000

At the end of the 30-day Conscious Energy Shifts call this morning, Adela Rubio made a comment on Snorkeling and Scuba Diving. Because of my fears the couple of times I’ve snorkeled, it immediately resonated with me.

I responded by writing the following – To hear me read this, click on the arrow:

Snorkeling Vs. Scuba Diving

“Put on a suit. Go deeper,” said Adela.
See what’s available in scuba diving.

It seems to me that going deeper with scuba diving might feel safer than snorkeling. With scuba diving, I image a life line being there. With snorkeling, I’m on my own.

For me the challenge would be/is to move beyond the safety of the boat, even the side of the pool – the knowing that I can get to the side within seconds and be secure, grab on.

What is the fear of going past my self-imposed limits?

Fear of drowning? This seems odd since I sometimes say/think that my life has been fulfilled, is complete.

Fear of struggling, not being able to breathe? The head knows it’s simply one breath at a time. Relax into it. Maybe, it’s the body that knows this. The head kicks in with the noises, planting its negative seeds.

If so, I can simply be with my body. Trust it and snorkel beyond the boat to those spaces with other sea life even more beautiful than what’s closest to the boat.

I will create a challenge for myself and respond to it. I’ll practice in the pool (all the while hoping it stays cold here in Florida for another month or two) – snorkel/swimming down the center, not quite an easy distance to the side. I might also swim/snorkel across the deep end.

Simply thinking of this, tightens up my body. Fears kick in. Perhaps recalling the memory, 60 plus years ago, of learning to ride a bike can ease the concern. Certainly there must have been fear of falling, one which I ultimately conquered. For years after I had the freedom of the ride.

Deep breath. Exhale. Image the feeling of freely playing, dancing with the fish – the colors and the rhythms. Then take that back on land.

What would the feeling be, playing among the limitless sea of humans in natural environments – growing strong and free – full of spontaneous, authentic self-expression – an empowering dance of life? Ah, yes!

—-
PS – Where’s the life line? Do I need it? The life line is within – the trust. Trust that I can and trust there will be one person and/or a community to support and save me if I’m in trouble. Thank you.

(Note the photograph above is not of ocean fish. Rather they are Koi fish in a pond in a Nature center. I show them here as representative of the color and movement to which I refer.)

Aloneness – Loneliness – Is there a Difference?

Sheila Finkelstein — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 23:15:33 +0000

Ponderings – Loneliness – Alone – New Year’s Eve 2009-10

Preface: My two sons and their wives gave me the 70^th birthday gift of both families – including 1 granddaughter and three grandsons – being together between Christmas Eve and January 2. Seven of those days were spent in Orlando, Fl, sometimes all together, some days splitting up. The plan was for us all to be together on 12/31 celebrating the entry of 2010. In order not to be closed out from Magic Kingdom, the decision was made to leave for Disney, 20 minutes from where we were staying, at 6:30 AM. I woke up at 4:00 AM and after thinking about it decided to stay back. The thought of 18 hours, 14 of them at least, on my feet standing on lines was too much.

I actually had a great day, rested, walked, stopped in on a party the resort was having. On the way back, while taking boardwalk night photos, I got into a stimulating conversation with a passerby, on common interests – woman whose name was similar to mine.

Back in my room, I watched the “Ball Drop” on TV as 2010, a new decade, became reality. I hugged myself lightly, remembering the 47 years my husband I embraced and kissed as the New Year unfolded. And then I recalled the “aloneness” and missing of the past 2 New Year’s Eves, celebrated at my son’s home.

Though surrounded and supported I felt “left out”. As 2008 and 2009 entered, I felt lonely/alone and something/someone was missing. And, I suspect my feelings would have been the same, compounded, in the crowd at Magic Kingdom this year.

Instead, I felt full and satisfied, though still missing Sam.

And then the next day, periodically I found myself feeling sad and teary-eyed as I thought of, spoke of, being “alone” on New Year’s Eve.

“ ‘Everyone celebrates’. New Year’s Eve is “supposed” to be ‘party time’ and you were left out.’” I suspect that underneath it all were the thoughts, “What will they think of me?” “Something is wrong with her,” and more….

I thus decided to write down the thoughts… those empowering ones I had during the day and night… all the while feeling content, even at the party.

Alone – Lonely – Is there a difference?

Being alone in a crowd.
People dance,
They jump for joy.

Where am I?
Off in the distance,
on the sidelines

What holds me back, has me not want to participate?

All the “rules” I impose on myself.

What rules are there about dancing? What holds me back?

Making a “fool” of myself? What is a fool?

and then there was “the night”…

Alone on New Year’s Eve, as 2010 rolled in. I was actually quite content, comfortable in my skin and my place in life right now. The past two New Year’s eves without Sam were hard. I was with one son, daughter-in-law, two grandchildren and their assorted guests both years and felt lonelier than being alone on 12/31/09. The prior two years I recall so strongly feeling “Everyone has someone” and “I am alone”

If I were in the massive crowd at Disney, I suspect my feelings would have been the same.

I had an interesting walk from the party back to my room. I was taking photos and a family came along. The wife stayed to talk. Her name is Heila, mine- Sheila without the “S”. Someone on Adela Rubio’s Conscious Energy Shift call the next morning spoke of walking in nature looking for omens. Was “Heila’ an omen for me?…

What are the “s”s I could be dropping in my life?
S – sh*t – the clutter I surround myself with… not quite… and the “baggage” I carry
S – sorry feelings
S – “shoulds” – definitely!

Consider replacing them with “Shalls”.

What to keep?– my Soul, my Sense of worth, my “Self” The Self who Shines.

Maybe the omen wasn’t so much about dropping the “S”…. rather acknowledging and honoring it. Who would I be without myself?

So back to loneliness – aloneness – Find the beauty in it. Acknowledge it. Let it be and note that there are multi-dimensions.

Remember when the “shoulds” are removed… the concern with other’s judgments…. really our own chatter and assumptions… all that remains is the beauty of myself/ourselves.

I am the one with whom I live…. how great it and my life are when I honor me and am totally and completely satisfied with that.

Dreams and Visions from September 2005

Sheila Finkelstein — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 04:11:23 +0000

I just came across this on one of my sites and thought it belonged here… one of those teary moments and some of the writing might have been healing then. The reading and remembering is now part of the healing process.

9/14/05 – I have participated in many very powerful programs with Julie Jordan Scott. Currently I am in Julie’s Dream Activation Program, see DREAMS and in a writing program of hers. Part of the 42 days of Dream Activation is sharing one’s dreams and having them witnessed. Today I shared my expression around my dreams.

Sam Finkelstein Blowing Kisses at the Surprise 45th Wedding Anniversary Party given for us by our sons and their families – 8/27/05

DREAMS for Dream Activation Witnessing - September 14, 2005

I came into this Dream Activation program after it started, stating that I do not really have dreams, at least not any that I can put my fingers on/around.

Last night, I read the statement On VISION, in ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE (p. 14) by Keith Harrell. He speaks of it, stating that “A vision can’t fail if you do the right thing.” He goes on to say, “The most critical first step is understanding your purpose in life and developing a personal vision. A personal vision consists of knowing what you want to do, for whom, and for what purpose.”

I’m thinking that I was equating Dreams with Vision and I have not specifically defined what I want to do for whom and for what purpose.

In order to prepare for my share today, I needed to write about my husband and create a clearing. So two nights ago I wrote and then, in Julie’s Special Writing Program yesterday which I’ve also just joined, the second part of what’s up for me seemed to fall in place.

To lay the foundation, I want to share what I first wrote. Sam, my beloved husband, was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease 8 1/2 years ago and in the past year, communication, getting his thoughts out, has become quite difficult at times and we’ve had some other intermittent challenges. And so I wrote -

DREAMING

I dream of things that can never be, or no longer be. I dream of Sam and I being able to travel, to take the cruises he desires, to walk the beaches with him at my side. I dream of our having extended conversations, many of which we never had.

I dream of being sweet, loving and compassionate with him, not the ranting bitch that emerges from time to time…sometimes frequent times.

I dream of his initiating, generating, and my being able to lean on him, depend on him, though I’d protest it along the way.

I dream of people helping him, engaging him, enlivening him…things that I have no patience for. I dream of letting go of resentment and forgiving myself for not spending more AND quality time with him.

I notice I keep saying “him.” My mother used to hate when I, or anyone, referred to her as “her.” “Him” is Sam, my beloved, who has put up with so much with me, always putting me first before himself, or anyone else.

Though he often protested, at least initially, on things I started, new and innovative, he ultimately was always there for me, supporting me. And with it all, bottom line, in whatever way, I am always there for him.

If I’d see myself through Sam’s eyes I’d be quite accomplished, tackling huge projects, as yet unknown and undefined.

Right now I dream of peace and ease, of having it all – luxury unlimited, money and resources, all without having to put out much effort.

I dream of communities of people interacting purposefully and with love.

I dream of people making discoveries and being excited by what they do.

I dream of having, being in a close knit community, with friends who energize and excite me and themselves.

I dream of books not yet written, 2 at least, though I know not what they are.

I dream of being famous, for what I do not know.

I dream of connections – people being connected for whatever they need.

I dream of a clutter-free environment, of a staff to tend to all of our needs – cooking, cleaning, organizing.

At one point I dreamed of watching sunrise over the ocean, while lying in bed, opening the drapes with a remote control. That dream also had woods and streams in the back of the house where we could see sunset and workshops for an artists’, actually corporate workers’, retreat. The latter is no longer part of my dream. Is it resignation or simply that I’ve moved in different directions?

And so my writing concluded the other night and I thought I’d search through my writings in my Picture to Ponder almost-daily ezine (now weekly) to find the points I seem to emphasize and thus get a handle on where I’m standing.

Then I experienced more free flow writing, with Julie yesterday.

The final prompt for the session was THE GIFT I GIVE TO MY READERS IS. . .and I wrote,

“The gift I give my readers is the opportunity for them to discover the richness in their worlds, the beauty of what’s in their physical spaces, the visions they have, perhaps as-yet unknown, in their souls…

the words, the tools, the ways of interconnecting to their selves and to each other, the people in their lives whom they’ve met and not yet met.

The gift I give to my readers is the beauty of knowing and believing in themselves.

And, I’m reminded that in “mission statements” for jobs in varying fields was always some form of supporting/empowering people in believing and themselves.

It’s who I be in my actions. Is it a Vision? A dream? I don’t know.”

Note for those new to this blog – My beloved Sam passed away on 11/21/07, see REMEMBERING SAM, and as I put this together on 1/7/09 I am struggling with what new dreams I can create. The dreams listed after those I had of life with Sam certainly can act as inspiration for me, they are and came from someplace within as did THE GIFT I GIVE MY READERS as spelled out above.

Rainbow Soul and Tears – Storms in Life – Timed Writing Prompts

Sheila Finkelstein — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 21:56:55 +0000

“The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears.” Laurel Burch

This quote is on a mug that I purchased from Amazon shortly after Sam died. During those first few difficult months, I gave myself permission to buy little, what for me were, “luxury items” as comforts for my soul, I suppose.

I do have have several Laurel Burch mugs and hadn’t seen them since we moved here. The beauty of the image on this one initially drew me in and, even more importantly for me, the writing in the center of the mug was a reminder of tears… that tears are ok. Only I wasn’t doing much crying, permission or not. So that’s the story behind my having introduced the quote to our [writing] group today..

“Rainbows, I’m forever chasing,” I stated the other day when I went chasing a beautiful rainbow (to photograph) after a violent thunder storm. It seems to me that perhaps the most beautiful rainbows come after turbulent storms rather than gentle rains.

Does my soul , thus, need turbulence to have rainbows in it? Does it need to have the tears to create whatever combination creates a rainbow? Beautiful colors? Shapes? Purity?

(and the 4 minute timer called the end….Interestingly, for me, the next prompt somewhat continued the “conversation.”)

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… It’s about learning to stand in the rain.” - Anonymous

This one brings up immediate memories… tearful ones now…of the hurricane of a couple of years ago. I recently came across photos of Sam sitting in my closet… me, too, when I got back in to join him after taking the photo. Close and secure, the two of us, as we waited for the hurricane and its threats to pass over.

Though we weren’t physically standing in the rain we were going with it, no protest, simply enjoying being with one another and whatever was going on… at least I’d like to think there was no fear there.

The effects of that hurricane left us powerless… in electricity that is.. for several days. And we got to appreciate being in the present. Instead of complaining I treasured the time for reading, resting, eating gooshy strawberries that had defrosted and were still cold when I took them out of the cooler.

How glad I was to have Sam with me, my companion, my lover, and, I guess,we were learning to stand in the rain of our lives over several years… the rain being the effects of Parkinson’s disease on him and, thus, us.

PS – For cheer when I bought the Rainbow Soul mug I also bought Laurel Burch’s Ponies and Parrots mug from Amazon -Final note on this post – Having created a miraculous life of beauty and love with her art and color and entrepeneurship, despite constant pain and broken bones, Laurel Burch sadly passed away at the age of 61. See her spirit and process in a 6-minute VIDEO interview. You can also read about her life on the same SITE.